"Greece is building a border wall. Man, those Mexicans are persistent!"
January 4
7002
Stephen has a message for America's new Indian overlords in light of Obama's endorsement of the U.N. declaration on the rights of indigenous peoples. He also addresses the value of gold.
Gullible bowel syndrome is treated by a placebo, scientists can cure mouse infertility, and a wild lynx increases the walking speeds of elderly patients.
Notable moment - Stephen tries to tape his face and cannot properly handle the tape.
Quotes
"I just wanna give a big shout-out to one of our sponsors: Arby's. If I was about to be killed, I would eat it. After I'm dead, I'd like to be sliced paper-thin and served with horsey sauce!"
"Finally a cure for mouse infertility! The species is saved!"
"Oh wow, it has a creamy center. So, Hostess makes our DNA."
818
"N/A"
Fen Montaigne
"The south has been crippled by a winter storm - or as they call it, the weather of northern aggression."
January 10
7005
Mike Fitzpatrick and Pete Sessions miss their swearing into office, but swear in through television, and a difference-maker is interviewed regarding aliens coming to Earth.
"Myspace slashes its staff in half. Wow! They fired both people?"
January 11
7006
Colbert picks his winners for the 2011 Grammy Awards and Chris Hughes talks about his life since the Obama campaign.
Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend and the Black Keys make a special appearance in the first segment and compete for Colbert's Grammy vote by listing commercials their songs appear in.
50 Cent makes $8 million on Twitter while Bernard-Henri Levy discusses public intellectualism. Stephen indicates that he believes Americans think of public intellectualizing in the same way as public urination. First usage of "The Wørd" in 2011.
In his segment "Thought For Food", a red alert is brought to surface regarding the shrinking of 7/11's "Super Big Gulp". Meanwhile, a Doritos ad angers Catholics, Pepsi has made fruit drinkable, and Obama moves Colbert by "doing a great job" speaking at a memorial in Tucson. Actor Kevin Spacey talks about Jack Abramoff, whom Stephen considers a patriot.
"Starbucks introduced the new 31 ounce 'trenta', which I believe is Italian for 'kidney failure'."
January 17
7009
Sears offers 50% off mattresses for Martin Luther King Day, and Kmart offers free shipping. Gun control is explored, and Sherry Turkle talks about how technology is alienating.
"For the first time ever, there won't be any cheerleaders at the Super Bowl. What will we watch between concussions?"
February 2
7019
Bing copying Google, Hosni Mubarak supporters punching Anderson Cooper, Christiane Aman-Purr, Henry Cavill as Superman, Big Flats beer, All Things Shining.
"I just hit 2 million followers on Twitter, which I believe means Ashton Kutcher has to give me Demi Moore for one night."
February 3
7020
Crisis in Egypt, Bill O'Reilly wonders about the tides, $200 outdoor Super Bowl tickets, Black History Month, Ohio governor John Kasich's all-white cabinet, playing games is productive.
"The Bronx Zoo is still missing its Egyptian Cobra. Airports, be on the lookout for a very skinny man in a trenchcoat buying a one-way ticket to Cairo."
March 29
7042
Stephen questions Obama's plan for Libya and talks infectious diseases with Dr. Anthony Fauci.
In this episode, Stephen recovers from a Catholic bender, and Donald Trump leads in the potential Republican candidate polls. Masturbation cures restless leg syndrome, and Ron Paul criticizes the Federal Reserve.
"The Pope wrote his first tweet today; he is truly the vessel in which God wastes time."
June 28
7084
The Supreme Court throws out a class action lawsuit against Wal-Mart, and Alexandra Pelosi discusses her documentary on immigrant naturalization in the U.S.
"You say potato, I say: who are you and why are you saying potato to me?"
July 21
7094
California passes a law requiring public schools to teach gay history, NBC loves breasts, and neuroscientist David Eagleman discusses the secret lives of the brain.
The media assumes Norway's native gunman is Muslim, Summer's Eve uses vaginal puppetry to market their product to vaginas, and Brian Cox reveals the mysteries of space.
Home-owning vampire Patrick Rodgers turns the tables on Wells Fargo, electric car drivers face a critical deadline, and Missy Cummings develops a new breed of flying robots.
"A new study says colon cleansing can be risky, but I think they just pulled that finding out of their ass."
August 1
7099
Stephen tells the "Billy Goats Gruff" debt ceiling story, an Alabama company turns ashes into bullets, and Zappos' C.E.O. Tony Hsieh talks about delivering happiness.
"A woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop: the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops."
August 2
7100
Scandal rocks Newt Gingrich's Twitterverse, David Leonhardt knows how to save America's credit rating, and Al Hunt thinks everyone lost the debt ceiling deal.
"Cargill has recalled 36 million pounds of tainted ground turkey. Personally, I don't know why anyone would buy ground turkey taint."
August 4
7102
Wisconsin Democrats get bad absentee ballot applications, Stephen takes over MLB's Twitter feed, and Anthony Bourdain describes the grossest things he's ever eaten.
"Chad Ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. Wow...those NFL contract negotiations did not go well."
August 10
7105
Father Jim Martin discusses God's job performance, political junkies donate money for a fix, and Elliot Ackerman lets voters directly nominate a president.
Stephen apologizes to WOI in Des Moines, Michele Bachmann wins the Iowa straw poll, and Ambassador Susan Rice discusses the role of the United Nations.
People enjoy a story more when they know how it ends, Prescott Group unveils its toning shoes, and Tim Pawlenty explains why he pulled out of the presidential race.
"Texas A&M is joining the SEC. This concludes today's installment of initials I don't understand."
September 7
7112
The TSA makes changes to airport security, controversy surrounds Martin Luther King Jr.'s memorial, and Robin Wright discusses the cultural impact of the Arab Spring.
The GOP debate drives Stephen to watch MSNBC, Rick Perry calls Social Security a Ponzi scheme, and Tom Brokaw follows the progress of 9/11 victims' family members.
Fox News objects to Barack Obama's jobs bill binder clip, Stephen unveils his postal solution, and Michael Moore talks about his memoir "Here Comes Trouble."
Barack Obama unveils his deficit reduction plan; the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell" changes everything; and Jeffrey Kluger examines the bond between siblings.
"The Federal Reserve wants to stimulate the economy. Well, then Ben Bernanke's gonna have to show a little leg."
September 21
7119
Reuters' Chrystia Freeland discusses Europe's financial crisis, protestors occupy Wall Street, and Daniel Yergin discusses the world's quest for energy.
A defunct satellite threatens the earth, the Marine Corps limits troops to silent farts in Afghanistan, and Jeremy Ben-Ami discusses the Israeli-Palestinian peace process.
"Prepare yourselves, Radiohead. You're about to meet Televisionface."
September 26
7121
America reaches a milestone in corporate civil rights, Thom Yorke and Ed O'Brien discuss global warming, and rock legend Radiohead performs. First ever hour-length episode of The Colbert Report.
Rick Perry talks immigration, America gets tough on pregnant Mexicans, John Lithgow calls the Atone Phone, and Ken Burns discusses his Prohibition documentary.
Karl Rove's fundraising takes a turn, Trevor Potter arms Stephen with a 501(c)(4), Kevin Kline hosts The Donating Game, and Mark Cuban talks billionaires.[1]
Rick Perry's hunting camp once bore a racially charged name, Obamacare heads to the Supreme Court, and Jerome Groopman discusses medical decision-making.
"A scientific panel recommended against prostate testing, but my prostate was up all night cramming."
October 6
8004
Sarah Palin bows out of the presidential race, Stephen apologizes to Karl Rove, and Lieutenant Colonel Jason Amerine discusses the early days of the Afghanistan War.
Herman Cain may or may not be joking about an electrified border fence, schools take potatoes off their menus, and Steven Pinker discusses the decline of human violence.
Stephen unveils Colbert Super PAC's message, Frank Luntz conducts a focus group, and GOP presidential candidate Jon Huntsman talks about fixing America.
"It's the tenth anniversary of the Patriot Act, but what do you get for the government that knows everything?"
October 26
8011
PETA files a lawsuit to free captive whales, immigrant farm workers flee Alabama, and Taylor Branch discusses the multi-billion dollar college sports industry.
"A Californian doctor was caught selling painkillers out of a Starbucks. Hey, everyone else in Starbucks, now you've finally got a great idea for that screenplay."
October 27
8012
Occupy Wall Street wears out its welcome, Stephen unveils his second NBA lockout Super PAC ad, and Toby Keith performs.
Stephen joins Occupy Wall Street, Wisconsin allows concealed weapons in its Capitol, and Neil MacGregor tells the history of the world with 100 objects.
"Italian debt threatens to swamp the Eurozone. I knew they shouldn't have offered unlimited breadsticks!"
November 9
8019
Herman Cain blames Democrats for his troubles, Michigan Senate Republicans amend an anti-bullying bill, and Father James Martin explores the role of comedy in religion.
Barack Obama plans to station U.S. troops in Australia, Rick Perry bungles another debate, and Brian Eno sings a cappella with Michael Stipe and Stephen.
"In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm doing the whole show with my pants unbuttoned."
November 17
8024
People Magazine picks its sexiest man, the congressional super committee eyes veterans' healthcare benefits, and Susan Orlean discusses the life of Rin Tin Tin.
"A recent study claims women think about sex ten times a day. But I don't buy it; my show is only on four times a day."
November 28
8025
Barack Obama omits God from his online Thanksgiving address, CNN lays off staffers in favor of user-generated content, and Siddhartha Mukherjee researches cancer.
"Newt Gingrich says he is against gay marriage. That explains why it's the only type of marriage he hasn't tried yet."
December 12
8033
Newt Gingrich alerts America to electromagnetic threats, Norway faces a butter crisis, and Samuel L. Jackson considers Martin Luther King Jr.'s personal life.
"An Italian woman left $13 million to her cat. Well... hello!"
December 13
8034
Donald Trump backs out of his debate, Madison charges protesters for the right to protest, and Mark Whitaker pays tribute to his parents with his memoir.
Nat Geo Wild pulls out their lion humping footage and Animal Planet sends honeydew melons to get in on Stephen's debate. Megyn Kelly clarifies that Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are not the same person. Daniel Craig reveals his technique for staying sexy and arm-wrestles Stephen.